Resolving conflict and disagreement
What is a conflict?
What exactly is a conflict? The Cambridge dictionary says it is an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles. Therefore, it is a serious disagreement or argument between two parties. It is a struggle or clash between opposing forces. The Oxford dictionary says it is a fight, struggle, collision or clash over opposing principles. From these definitions it is clear what we are talking about.
In summary then, conflicts can take the form of an argument or disagreement with the other party involving ideas, interests, etc. Sometimes the use of words to express opposing views can escalate to an actual physical altercation involving physical aggression, force or contact.
Examples of conflict
Conflict is part of human life. There would not be a human in existence who has not had a conflict of some form with someone else at some stage in their life. For some it may be a minor disagreement, for others it was a major conflict which lead to severe consequences.
There may be a conflict in the workplace between one person and a colleague about the best way to move forward on a project. Or it may be ongoing disagreement between an employee and his/her boss where they feel they have been unfairly criticised. It could be conflict between parents over what is best for their children. It could be conflict on the sports field where one team thinks the opposing team have broken the rules of the game. It could be conflict on the road where a driver has been cut off in his lane by another driver and this has led to a angry confrontation between them. There can be conflict between nations over land, religion, politics or even a historical grievance that has never been resolved. Conflicts can arise from internal competition for power among a nation’s leadership. The list goes on of situations where there is the potential for conflict between humans.
What does the Bible have to say about conflict and disagreement?
If we look through the pages of the Bible, just about all the greatest of the Bible men and women had conflict in their lives. King David had conflict with Saul, Moses had conflict with Pharaoh and the disobedient people of Israel, Jesus had conflicts with religious leaders, the Romans and even his own disciples.
Avoiding conflict through understanding the other side
Conflicts can be avoided by negotiating with the other party. Try to avoid assuming the worst about the intentions of others as this will only bring more trouble. Speak to the other party and hear the whole story. Understand the issue from their point of view and then be prepared to negotiate with them to come to a satisfactory conclusion of the matter.
An example of conflict being avoided through understanding the issue from the other party’s side is found in Joshua chapter 22 and verses 9 to 34. It is worth reading the whole passage to understand what took place. The tribes of Reuben and Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built an altar at the Jordan River. The remainder of Israel feared that these tribes were rebelling against God and gathered to make war against them. Phinehas the son of Eleazer the priest along with others came to people of Reuben/Gad/Manasseh to learn the truth. They said to the others:
Thus says the whole congregation of the Lord, ‘What is this breach of faith that you have committed against the God of Israel in turning away this day from following the Lord by building yourselves an altar this day in rebellion against the Lord? Joshua 22:16
Phinehas was prepared to understand the thinking of the other side and then negotiate rather than fight a battle. The people of Reuben and Gad pleaded their innocence.
Behold, the copy of the altar of the Lord, which our fathers made, not for burnt offerings, nor for sacrifice, but to be a witness between us and you.”’ Far be it from us that we should rebel against the Lord and turn away this day from following the Lord by building an altar for burnt offering, grain offering, or sacrifice, other than the altar of the Lord our God that stands before his tabernacle!” Joshua 22:28-29
The altar had been built as a memorial rather than for pagan sacrifice. It was a misunderstanding between the two sides. As a result, war was averted and unity restored.
To resolve conflicts we would do well to take a similar approach. Assuming the worst about the intentions of others will only bring more trouble. Israel avoided war by simply speaking to the Reuben/Gad people. Hear the whole story before making assumptions.
Conflicts can be avoided by finding a common goal
In 2 Samuel chapter 2 we are told of the events leading to a long war between David’s followers and the troops loyal to Abner and Ish-bosheth. David was king of Judah and Ish-bosheth was made king of Israel.
There was a long war between the house of Saul and the house of David. And David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul became weaker and weaker. 2 Samuel 3:1
This civil war caused a lot of misery across the country with a great cost to both sides. If we consider this carefully we can see that this war occurred because Israel and Judah had lost sight of God’s vision and purpose. His purpose had been to:
To settle the land (Genesis 12:7)
Then the Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your offspring I will give this land.” So he built there an altar to the Lord, who had appeared to him.
To drive out the Canaanites (Deuteronomy 7:1-4)
“When the Lord your God brings you into the land that you are entering to take possession of it, and clears away many nations before you,…
To obey God’s law (Deuteronomy 8:1)
The whole commandment that I command you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land that the Lord swore to give to your fathers.
Instead of coming together to accomplish these goals, they were fighting each other. When you are in conflict with someone, step back from the disagreement and consider whether you and the other party have common goals that are bigger than your differences. Focus on the common goals to work out a way to settle the differences which you disagree over.
Conflicts can be avoided by remembering their source.
Conflicts and disputes among believers are always harmful. James explains that these quarrels come from evil passions battling within us. We want more possessions, more money, higher status, more recognition.
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3
When we have desire for a passion or pleasure badly enough, we will fight, in order to get it. Instead of aggressively grabbing what we want, we should submit ourselves to God. Pray about getting rid of our selfish desires, and trust him to give us what we really need. If we do this then we can avoid a lot of conflict in our lives.
This is what Abraham did in the conflict with Lot in Genesis chapter 13 and verses 8 and 9:
Then Abram said to Lot, “Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herdsmen and my herdsmen, for we are kinsmen. Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will go to the right, or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left.”
Abraham wanted to avoid conflict with Lot so he gave Lot first choice as to which land he could take. Instead of grabbing the land that he wanted, Abraham put the peace of the family ahead of his personal desires.
The advice of Paul on conflict
Paul gave some very sound advice to Timothy about conflict and disputes.
But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:23-26
The believer is being encouraged to not foolishly argue but rather be gentle, patient and humble in speaking to those of the other party.
Gentleness, patience and humility are not always those qualities which come to the fore in our dealings with our families or each other, never mind those out in the world, but their application in our lives can speak louder than a multitude of words!
For more on resolving conflict, please refer to the accompanying article in this series: Resolving conflict and disagreement – the Philemon case study. It tells of what Paul did to avoid conflict between two brothers.
